WHO AM I?
Who am I?
When I quit YouTube, I had to rediscover who I was. For so long, I had been in creator-mode, constantly thinking of video ideas, promoting my ‘brand’ and scouting new makeup releases. After leaving that behind, it felt like I had to quickly adapt my personality in order to match my new situation. At first, I tried to relaunch myself on Instagram, but I’ve never quite fit in over there fully, or known what hashtags to use, so I ended up just posting whatever and whenever I wanted. I’m funnier on Twitter, anyway, my 120 followers said so. I then thought I could be a freelance editor, writer or social media manager, and even set up a new portfolio website to entice potential clients. I felt professional, like the type of woman who takes a laptop to Starbucks and sips a soy latte whilst replying to important emails. But it has been over six months since creating that site, and I have yet to receive one email, or drink a single soy latte (I’m a caramel almond milk latte kind of gal).
My point is, I feel a bit stuck. I can’t quite work out who I’m meant to be. What are my defining character traits that bottleneck me into my social position? Where do I fit into my social circle, family, generation or planet? I’m not a mother (except to cats); I utterly refuse to be labelled as just a ‘wife’. I have no career, or even a job. I’m not a student, a foodie, fitness junkie or artist. I’m not an alcoholic, party-goer, hipster or a goth. Does that mean I’m basic?
Even a love of Starbucks and skinny jeans isn’t helping me figure out who I’m supposed to be. I’m still searching for that one thing that says, “yeah, that’s Holly, the one who ______”. I was curious to see what other people that their ‘thing’ was, the part of them that stands out more than the rest. The hobby, trait, quirk or profession that seeps further into their soul than anything else, defining their outward appearance to the public and paving their life choices.
Perhaps unsurprisingly* (*most of my following is within the same age bracket as I am, with a similar income and has at least the interest of makeup in common, so I was expecting most of them to have the same feelings as I do), the results were fairly even, with 54% of people** (**out of around 150 votes) saying they didn’t have their own ‘thing’. The 46% of people** who did have a ‘thing’, however, had passions that I’d seen reflected in their Instagram posts and Stories, even if they were just small hints. A quick flash of an armful of tattoos. A scroll-and-you’ll-miss-it check-in at the local swimming centre. A Disney quote in a caption. Of course, a lot of answers were purely “makeup*”. Still none-the-wiser about my own ‘thing’, I then asked my followers what they thought it was. Perhaps I did, in fact, have a ‘thing’, but I just didn’t know it yet.
Cats. Baking. My hair. Bullet journaling. Singing. DIY. Animals. Writing. All different answers and all things I would associate with me, but none of which I thought defined me as a whole person. But then a realisation popped into my head. Even that that 46%** had a ‘thing’ that they classed as their main source of persona, a lot of the answers were to do with how the public saw them: being tall, their career, their hair colour. These people could have a million hobbies, but their entire soul is condensed down to a single aspect of their life.
No one has just one single mission, one single defining feature, one single hobby or passion. You can put heart, soul and time into one cause, yet still have love for something else. You can put on a show for social media or for friends, but be a completely different human when by yourself. Variety is the spice of life, as they say, so only having one interest would be very spicy at all.
So, I can spread my efforts across multiple things. I can enjoy more than one passion at a time. I don’t have to be so fully consumed by one thing that I become a one-dimensional characterisation of what other people think I should be. I’m still looking for the activity that will give my life more structure and meaning (anyone want my C.V.?) but I’m comfortable with my well-rounded existence.
So, hello! I like reading, writing and playing the Sims. I love my husband and my cats. I’m currently learning French. I like interior design and Lego video games. I have high maintenance hair. I spend too much money on makeup and coffee. Autumn weather makes me happy. The mirror makes me sad. I’m smart, but sometimes not. I’m a feminist and I’m emotional. I’m me. That’s who I am.