I have never spoken about my miscarriage with anyone other than my husband but I think sometimes it’s something we need to be honest about. It’s seen as shameful and awkward to miscarry by many people but it’s a part of life – albeit a horrible part – and by sharing our experiences we can help each other.
In February 2015 I found out I was pregnant. We didn’t realise straight away because my periods weren’t exactly every 28 days so by the time we found out, I was already five weeks along. I told both my and Chris’s parents who were shocked (I was only 20 and me and Chris had only been living together for a month or two) but supportive. The only other person we told was Chris’s best friend – he needed some male moral support!
My first scan was actually booked before I knew I was pregnant. I was having an ultrasound on my ovaries to check for cysts, so I got to have a scan at about six weeks pregnant. At the scan the woman told me she could see the sac (that should have had the baby inside) inside my womb but nothing had formed yet. However, I was only six weeks pregnant and because it wasn’t definite when I ovulated, it could have been too early to see anything. They referred me to the early pregnancy unit at the hospital, where I had some blood tests and another two ultrasounds.
Unfortunately, the empty sac stayed empty and my HCG levels stopped rising which meant I was going to miscarry. I opted to let it happen naturally.
I was sad, but deep down I knew we weren’t ready for a child and our circumstances wouldn’t have been ideal, so I accepted that it was just the way things were. I visited my parents as we were living in Cheltenham at the time and miscarried there at the end of March. It was the most painful experience of my life. Imagine your worst period pain and times it by ten. I took codeine and luckily(?) it only lasted a week, with the pain easing after a couple of days.
I was okay afterwards. A bit delicate and emotional due to the hormones, but I felt okay. It definitely helped that Chris proposed a week after we drove back home! We went on a group trip to Yorkshire with 12 of Chris’s friends a few days after we got engaged, but we had to come back after a day because I had a panic attack and couldn’t deal with so many people at once. But I was fine.
Since the miscarriage I think both me and Chris have been worried that there’s something wrong with one of us; that we won’t be able to have children in the future (which is possibly on our to-do list) or we’ll struggle to conceive. Each time I get a late period (all the time, honestly, my cycles are a nightmare) and pee on a stick I actually get scared that it will be negative, because what if I should be pregnant, but can’t actually conceive? I don’t want children right now, so I know it’s a ridiculous worry and 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage so it’s very common, but it’s still there. And I think it will be until I’m actually in labour.
I didn’t like writing this post. It’s still something I feel like I should keep secret, but I believe that we should share our experiences so others don’t feel alone. Although, I’m not sharing this to Facebook or Twitter, so maybe I’m still too ashamed to share. I don’t know. If anyone wants to private message me, use the ‘contact’ form on my blog or email me directly at email@example.com <3